Lookin Back

Looking back and reminiscing, even by looking through old home videos, i realize that my brother and I were not all that different as children. And it has become apparent to me what has really affected my life in every aspect. I always thought each of my problems were individual, but now i realize how they are all related. I was an ambitious girl motivated by curiousity. I gained my independence by fulfilling my attachment to the world and all its wonders rather than the people around me. But i still loved. I loved endlessly. I wanted to be everything and experience everything. I longed to learn. I went in search for adventure and I never let fear hold me back. I loved myself, as most youngsters do. So why did my brother become the ambitious champion and scholar wen we were both on the same path? Why am i significantly but not unwaveringly behind? I believe that this is because my spirit was broken before my personality was fully developed. I was broken by everyone around me, begining with all those I trusted as my freinds, with all those kids i grew up with. My brother was never forced to question his personality as i was, because everyone had always loved him. But there was something wrong with me that apparently everyone in my grade noticed. I have yet to understand it. But there is one thing i do understand now, It was not my father that broke me, for he loved me for who and hwat i was. It was i that had changed after the merciless and shameful defeat that my peers brought upon me, pushed upon me. And it is my fault for letting them break me. I canot help but feel disillusioned and robbed. I feel that those cruel children robbed my ability to love myself for so long, my personality that i had so long been proud of. Those children robbed my happiness and my dignity. It's taken me years --and I'm still not even close to being fully healed--to even begin to regain all that was stolen from me.