Friendships Falling Apart.

These last few weeks, i've been very upset and disheveled by all the chaotic pain that has occupied a part of my life that was once full of laughs and joy. It seems that many of my freindships are falling apart, and with those freindships, i lose a huge part of me. I love my freinds with my whole heart, I always have. Once i bond with someone, it is only in my most natural instinct to always have a part reserved for them in my heart and mind. Lately, everything is turned into an arguement with my closest friends. I don't know what has changed within the last few months that caused so much tension to build, but I'm willing to do what i can to save my friendships with them. But it seems they are unwilling to, and this hurts more than I can bare. Why would someone i've been freinds with for years not want to save our friendship? I just don't know anymore..

Aliens vs. Self

Hey. This is my first blog, but so not my first rambling. I was reading an article today for my HSPA practice (which i find pointless) about aliens. It was basically about how it is ignorant to think that there is not other life outside of earth and that earthlings should do everything possible to discover this other life. I thought to myself, why should we go find other lifeforms when we can't even handle our own? We strive for the chance to find these other beings who are probably ahead of us in terms of intelligence yet we are unable to keep peace within our own planet. Finding new lifeforms would just cause more trouble, in my opinion. Earth isn't ready for aliens. It isn't even ready to be populated with the majority of the people in it. When we are capable of keeping peace within our own planet, then we can go and look for aliens. For now, fuck them and leave them be.

Today, i also questioned something else. As human beings, most of us have an image of what we want to be. For me its something like this: I want to be a strong, independent woman who is confident, but humble. I want to give as much as possible and love as much as possible. I want to learn to deal with things in a way that do not leave me bitter, and I want to strive for my best qualities to exceed their limitations. But I wasn't built that way. My personality is selfish, back and forth in terms of esteem, and i'm extremely dependent. I don't question my ability to be the person i want to be, i question whether it would keep me true to myself. If this is not who i am, but who i wish to be, will i eventually become this person naturally or am i just denying my personality and eventually, it will arise once again? I've always believed that it was best to strive for what you want and find a way to keep it. I always believed that it was in your best interest to push yourself to be the best person you could be. But lately, i've been filled with doubts. If i have not grown up to be the person i always wanted to be, shouldn't i find a way to be happy with myself? I questioned the reasoning behind morphing my mind and personality into a slim figure that is up to my fantical standards. I mean, isn't it unhealthy to always want to be something your not and constantly strive to be that? But i realized that it is human nature to want to exceed your goals and accomplish your dreams. If i dream to be a better person, I will find a way to be that person. Althhough i may never be completely content with who i am or who i become, atleast i can say that i've put forth the effort to better myself in ways i believe matter. For what is a mind without growth? Just like everything else in my life, it is necessary for my personality to better itself. Just as my brain grows with intelligence, my senses grow with experience, and my heart grows with love, my personality shall develop into what I want it to be. Someday, I will be exactly what i've always wanted to be. And for now, I know i've put myself on a path that is leading me toward it.

Till later,
Sabina :)