Track.

So, for my whole life, i've done countless sports. I've noticed a pattern that has been repetitious from the start: I suck at all of them and I usually end up quitting. Last year, i tried track. Not becuase i love running (I dont) and not because I wanted a highschool sport for my college application, I did it because i wanted to get in shape. I wanted to lose that little blubber that keeps me from loving my body. And so, i tried. I tried last year and hardly lost any weight. But for some reason, i kept going. And this year, I joined again.
I've always wondered why it is that I lack any talent whatsoever in terms of sports especially. Its not that i don't try, i do. I do put the effort. But it kills me to see others pass me so quickly and to own me. I feel like such a failure when i constantly put effort but it's never enough to stop my fate. Even when i do improve my times, the times i have are still ridiculous. Ive questioned so many times about what keeps me from atleast being decent. I'm not asking to be a sports star, I'm asking to be decent. To not totally blow. I've rationalized my exceptional terribleness in sports in hundreds of different ways. To name a few: Maybe, my brother got all the sports talent traits (He's always the star, ofcourse) Maybe, its because my heart beats too fast in general and when i work out, i get more tired than other people and it doesn't let me work harder. Maybe my body isn't able to excersize quickly and steadily.


Or maybe, just maybe, I'm too lazy. I don't know how to push myself and i'm quick to give up. I always have been. Maybe my body is perfectly capable of it all but my personality holds me back. Maybe my dad has been right about me all these years. I just wasn't meant to go far, atleast not on my feet. This year, i've tried so much harder to push myself atleast a little more each day-- to try to outrun someone. And i have done a bit better in terms of the mile alone, but everyone still exceeds me significantly. Sports make me feel like quitting because the only thing i ever think about is how much of a failure I am in terms of the sports. No one wants to feel like a failure, and sports just add on to my list of failures. Since when does practice make perfect? Since when does failure not exist when there is effort? And how can i love my body when it fails me over and over again? I don't lose the weight i initially wanted to lose & in the end, I embarass myself all the time. Whats the point?