bunch of old stuff.

1) I need to regain my faith. Somehow, I must regain my faith. I have lost myself in the open fields of temptation and sin. It feels as though I am entangled in the vines of desire and drug like escapes, as my mind is wrapped around euphoric fantasies. The thorns of fear continue to pinch me just enough to have awareness remain a constant pain in my mind. I’m caught up in the defiance of the Lord and this destroys my every hope to become a good person with God’s guidance.
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2)I want to die just to get out of this misery; this unexplained misery that’s constantly clouding my emotions; this constant end of all feelings. And occasionally a bubble of pain, or intellectual darkness travel to my surface, but it just makes me wonder..shouldn’t I be glad to be capable of numbing my emotions although I cannot turn it on and off as I wish? Shouldn’t I be glad to be able to escape pain? And at the same time I feel it so strongly, rooting from somewhere so deep inside of me that it corrupts my entire system. I wonder why it kills me to feel, but kills me more to be numb. I wonder why I have been chosen to live with all others must live with, but also have permanent disruptions of happiness and continuous chaotic turmoil of emotions within me. I wonder how I’m supposed to live through all this. The moment a bit of happiness arrives, it vanishes before I experience and enjoy its perspective to the fullest. How am I expected to live? How am I expected to make it through? To be honest, at times I don’t think I was meant to.. I don’t think I was meant to be capable of handling all this, and at times I feel it will get better. That I will be fixed, that someone will save me, or I’ll save myself. But through my years I’ve come to realize, I cannot fix permanent prints inside of me; someone else will not save me for longer than a moment; that the same person who saved me will put me in further danger; and that I am too weak and emotionally disturbed to save myself. But still, shadows of hope remain. But slowly they are leaking out of this ocean, and soon I will be forced to take matters into my own hands, which aren’t reliable ones.
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3)I don’t even get lost in the world..just in something as simple as myself. If I did not tell you of my depression, if I did not show you..how would you know? You wouldn’t. My friends haven’t noticed for months. I don’t want to bring you down with me, but I don’t want to go down alone. That’s how damn selfish I am. I’d rather bring you down with me and torture myself at the bottom for you to see than to go down alone. I know I’m mentally sick with my constant unstable emotions. I wonder sometimes if I make myself sick. You’ve asked me “If you could, you’d get better right? If I found a way, you’d try your best to get better right?” And I answer yes, of course, Of course. But the truth is, I’ve lived so long with this sickness I do not even remember how to live without it. I don’t know how to live without it. Who would I be without this disease, it’s as much a part of me as my soul. Being subtly yet dramatically depressed is a part of my personality now. But this part of me is worthless if I do not let someone know. If I do not express my sorrow, my anguish to someone who loves me it is even more dreadful inside of me, longing to be let out. It’s more than the need of attention, It’s my constant need and crave for more love. but how much love is enough? How much do I need to please me? Am I able to be satisfied for more than a few moments, that pass all too quickly? I feel my soul crumpled inside of me.. I imagine my body curled up in a ball, against a hard, cold wall. I picture my thoughts flowing hectically through my brain as they send shimmers down my veins. I am often too caught up in myself..
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4)Mind’s were meant to scatter; to be shared and passed around. It’s sort of like that game telephone, pass along your thoughts and see what you end up with. Everyone picks up something else. I feel as though society started off generations ago with a positive group of thoughts, and they all morphed over time into the disgusting thoughts of today’s society. It only took a few dirt bags to reword this world’s thoughts into the moralless pit that the majority have fallen into. What worries me further is that people truly have become brainwashed by the power of these overwhelming thoughts; these thoughts that lead the soul into temptations and desires that are self mutilating and destructive toward others as well. No, I don’t believe the whole world should follow one train of thought. I don’t believe everyone has to agree. But I do believe that everyone should try to follow good morals, to do what is right rather than what is selfish, to do what they can to improve themselves and the world around them. Morality is only contained by few; Those few will go far in this world full of deceit. Sometimes, I truly wonder if humanity will be able to recover from such an increasing morality crisis. But then, I gather my faith. I have to have faith in humanity’s ability to improve. For as all know, without hope, there is no possibility left..
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5)
I forget what is real and what is not. Not that it matters. Reality has long only been a fabrication of my own mind. Promises were meant to be broken, I suppose, just like hearts. The only difference is, hearts mend. Promises just fade away, lingering into empty phrases. But I still believe every one of them. How foolish can I be, how naïve have I become? It seems as though no matter how many times I learn this lesson “the hard way”, I will never fully believe that people—mainly those I associate with—could be so callous and ungenuine. I do not lack trust, for I always trust whole heartedly. But, there is a constant battle in my body that is continuously ignored. It’s my heart against my mind, and my mind against the world. My heart, fragile and naïve (and I do not use naïve in the sense of inexperienced, for it has long endured heartbreaks, my naiveness has survived plenty of cold winters filled with pained precipitation) utterly believes that no one can truly inflict me intentional harm. My heart believes that everyone deserves to be trusted, for everyone makes mistakes. But my mind believes its own wisdom and troubles me with flashbacks of past treachery and warnings of wandering deceit. But I long for closeness; I long for love. The only way to receive love is to love unconditionally. And so, I always do. Once I love someone, I love unconditionally, regardless of my past or theirs. So—who is to win this civil war in my soul: my heart or my mind? It seems as though my heart will always win because to follow my mind is to run from possibilities of love, where I should stay and become love’s acquaintance.